Walk a mile in these shoes? I'd rather have cat AIDS...

"You know how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet." - Cher Horowitz

Coming from a very strong anti-nude ballet pump stance, it should come as no surprise to anyone reading this that there are plenty of other footwear options that, in my opinion, should also be relegated to the bin. Each to their own, considering I live in military boots and Converse I'm hardly the most adventurous in that department.

Even still, a few recurring footwear offences have got these fingers poised to hit the keyboard in the hope that those girls wondering if brogues are still relevant (note: they aren't) will see the light and turn their back on ugly footwear.

Yes, the first order of business is the need for you all to part with your brogues. These shoes only look good on men. I don't care if Alexa Chung looks cute in her brown leather brogues and ditsy floral dresses, it doesn't mean you do as well. Unless you want your feet to look bigger than they are and give yourself cankles, BIN THE BROGUE. Be under no illusion that this is the view of some bitchy queen who thinks girls only look good in skyscraper heels that will give them permanent spine damage (although female popstars performing in flats is inexcusable, are you reading this Pixie Lott?), there are plenty of nice flat shoe options available. But a brown leather lace up that makes you look like a wartime bride is not one of them. 

Speaking of brogues, is there really any need to wear monstrosities like the ones pictured above? Again, give yourself cankles and unecessarily wide looking feet if you want, but avoiding this kind of thing like the plague is definitely for the best.

Speaking of footwear monstrosities, is there really any need for people to be wearing creepers? The appeal of this shoe escapes me, unless orthopedic footwear is an attractive look. Screaming "OMG EDGY FUNKY CAMDEN HIPSTER HAVE YOU CHECKED OUT MY TUMBLR?", the creeper is a shoe that has quite literally crept into the fashion radar and even the usually flawless Cher Lloyd has been spotted in them (major snaps deduction for you, Cher). This look is one your boy cannot get his head around, it's not  flattering, it's not funky, and it's not stylish. It has future "2010s fashion faux pas" written all over it. Please, bitches, get rid of them or you'll be cringing looking back at old photos in 10 years time.

Especially these animal print ones. BIN BIN BIN.

Now, this is the part where it gets deep. Anyone who has any common sense, never mind fashion sense, will have relegated these to an ill judged 90s Atomic Kitten fashion trend long ago. But no, fashaholics, there are some of you that still insist on trying to make our next item a part of your wardrobe. Apologies in advance for any offensive language that may follow on from our next item.

Yes, that's right, it is time to discuss a problem that continues to sweep the nation on a daily basis: the kitten heel. Kitten heels are not pretty. Kitten heels are not stylish. Kitten heels are not something that should be part of anyone's wardrobe. Name me one person who has ever looked good in a kitten heel? No, I didn't think so. Kitten heels are quite possibly the worst kind of footwear known to man. Where is the glamour in a  one inch stiletto heel and a pointy toe? Again, are you TRYING to make your feet look longer and wider than they are? If you can't walk in heels, don't be a pussy and try to get away with a kitten heel instead, you aren't fooling anyone. Go for a flat; fuck it, even go for a nude ballet pump, but DON'T go for a kitten heel.

As if a regular kitten heel isn't bad enough, here we have a SLING BACK kitten heel. I don't think any elaboration is needed to discuss just how bad this is.

And these? I don't care if it's Vivienne Westwood, it's still a fucking kitten heel! (a quote from the lovely Gillian Brown, my style icon). A JELLY SHOE, SLING BACK, PEEP TOE KITTEN HEEL with red plastic love hearts on the front? For a five year old girl going to a birthday party, maybe...but for a fully grown adult with the kind of dollas to afford them? Not so much.

While this footwear fascism may come across as a little bit harsh, it comes from a place of love. The world would be a better place without these styles pounding our pavements. Don't even try to be a nice person and donate these items to your nearest charity shop, it will only encourage repeat fashion offences and this ugly vicious fashion circle starting all over again...bin them, burn them, break them up and throw them away. You know it makes sense.

Wondering what kind of shoes you SHOULD be wearing? Email fashhole@ymail.com and all your burning fashion questions will be answered coming soon to a blog near you.

xoA